justspeakyourword

Life really sucks right now and has for a long time now because I'm just a sucky mediocre person. I try to talk and at like I'm smart and talk like highly intelligent and try and give people a perception of me that really isn't true...again me lieing to myself and others about who I am and the sad part is I lie to myself. Because I'm so dissatisfied with who I am as a person that I try to compensate by trying to be someone else...I don't know if I'm really smart I don't know if I'm really such a great guy as I think I am or am a just a fraud! To myself and others just A BIG FAT FRAUD AND LIE.and that's what I am. Am I looking for pity maybe so because I really want to find out how to get myself out of all this mess I've created in my life. I think I'm most afraid that I'm just that average guy whom I've so desperately been trying to avoid becoming...I don't feel like I've grown enough and I'm just in a holding pattern every since I screwed my life up with B, J and S...my life just went down the hill and a very rapid pace and hasn't stopped to this day while everyone else has moved on I still recount the past sometime...I don't know I always thought that I was someone different or may be I would make a difference in this society or the world but I'm starting to doubt whether or not I can beat these demons fighting within my own mind.