justspeakyourword

Life really sucks right now and has for a long time now because I'm just a sucky mediocre person. I try to talk and at like I'm smart and talk like highly intelligent and try and give people a perception of me that really isn't true...again me lieing to myself and others about who I am and the sad part is I lie to myself. Because I'm so dissatisfied with who I am as a person that I try to compensate by trying to be someone else...I don't know if I'm really smart I don't know if I'm really such a great guy as I think I am or am a just a fraud! To myself and others just A BIG FAT FRAUD AND LIE.and that's what I am. Am I looking for pity maybe so because I really want to find out how to get myself out of all this mess I've created in my life. I think I'm most afraid that I'm just that average guy whom I've so desperately been trying to avoid becoming...I don't feel like I've grown enough and I'm just in a holding pattern every since I screwed my life up with B, J and S...my life just went down the hill and a very rapid pace and hasn't stopped to this day while everyone else has moved on I still recount the past sometime...I don't know I always thought that I was someone different or may be I would make a difference in this society or the world but I'm starting to doubt whether or not I can beat these demons fighting within my own mind.

...long time since I've posted so here goes...the most complexing thing I face is self. So far I can't seem to figure it out I feel like Paul when he spoke to the church at Rome the things I don't want to do I do the things I do want to do I don't and the there's this everlasting battle with self. It's almost as if I step out of myself and see this talented ambitious person with all of these dreams and aspirations yet I don't know how to get him to those dreams and make them a reality nor do I seem to know where to start. To him he's just as lost as I am and we're both a host of confusion. So I take moments to really analyze my habits to look in the mirror and really see the truth of my character and I can't seem to make anything change. Then I look at the habits I've formed and see the same sad conclusion yet I ask myself how do I change? Still attempting to figure that out...goal one change bad habits.

I'm writing because to me writing is theoroputic and it's good for me so here goes nothing. So by now from my previous entry I'm not a very good at relationships and have always had the situations play out because I really wasn't honest with myself about what I wanted and intern wasn't honest with young lady I was with what I wanted either. This is where I take a deep breath and call up all those emotions I've tucked away since all this drama I've created in relationships in the past two years. All because I couldn't really be honest with self and really had not yet become a man who knew what he wanted and went after what he wanted yet that's the kind of theory that kinds me to believe that maybe that's the purpose of dating and getting to know someone to see if that's the type of person you want to share your journey in life with. If it's not then you say it to yourself and the other person and move on. Making sure that you've made a mental note of what you liked in that person and the things you didn't like using those reference point to "point" you to the person that comes even closer to what your ideal life partner, mate, boyfriend or girlfriend image. when you are able to admit those things to yourself it's much easier to admit them to someone in your life that you may not totally think is right for you. At least in theory it seems that way, all I know is being honest with yourself is always the first and most important step. With some it takes that trial and error and with some they know right away "this is not the person for me" and they become honest with one self and then are truthful to the person of interest and they can then they both can transition to better and more capatable relationships. I messed by not doing that at all instead I just made an unwanted situation worse and carried that same thinking and "baggage" to the next relationship not giving any time to myself to ponder or analyze my own mistakes. This to is important especially when getting out of a long drawn out "I should have been gone a long time ago relationship". When I actually took time an analyzed the situation I realized I never taken time for myself to heal or even grow or learn from my relationships I just simpled moved the luggage to an easier place "the next woman". Not dealing with my character issues or my inability to tell the truth which inturn caused me to become compulsive liar out of sheer neccessity "very sad" conitation I may add also. It simply put ruined every good relationship I could have had. I must say that unlike alot of guys I've dated a string of "great" women. As much as I've grown and learned now it's one of those sad storied of I am a little late for the "figuring out" because those possible wives or soul mates have since moved on yet as you see I'm writing this blog after just now getting over and under my own personal issues that left me empty as I am now .....

...the one thing that was so perfect about B was she or her or just her aura. She was beautiful her spirit was one that I had never experienced before it she was sincere, honest, intelligent, vibrant, and her outlook on life was filled with actually loving the life she was given and embracing those things that meant something to her. Her family was important her career was important to her and her relationships with people was important to her. She was not only a great and loyal friend but she was a great lover. She knew how to be loved and she knew how to love. I remember this instance where I had gone to her house for the weekend just to relax and spend some quality time with her now you must keep in mind that at the same time I still dating J. So in order to make the transition from going from one woman to another I had to completely change my mind and take myself to place where everything I was doing was okay or justified in some way yet it was not. I remember arriving at her door that having her answer with very sexy lingerie on immediately I was amazed. From there she greeted me with the most passionate kiss and asked me how my drive had gone. Now in the back of my mind I'm thinking "my god I've got to marry this girl" at the same time "I was like J has got to go, this is the one right here". She lead me to her room and told me she had a surprise for me. She took off all of my clothes offered me a very nice Egyptian cotton robe and lead me to the bathroom, by now I so amazed and surprised by the catering this woman was giving me and her attention to detail that I simply could not contain myself it was to the point that I was almost uncomfortable because this was so new to me. As I reached the bathroom and B told me close my eyes as she slowly removed the robe and I opened my eyes to see a warm bath drawn filled with rose petals and candles. The first thing that comes to my mind is "I don't deserve this, nor do I deserve this woman" at that moment in my life I learned something about myself that my moral standards where higher than I thought they where. I knew after spending the weekend with her and going to church together the next morning that though she was everything that I wanted and I wasn't ready for what I wanted because the little boy inside me had not yet become a man.

...I'm not going to give any fancy introduction or prolific jargon I'm simply going to let the words flow...So here goes nothin

I simply adore great booty (beauty) beautiful legs, nice feet, women with natural hair styles and smooth skin (so by this introduction you can probably get a feel of what this tale will tell...But it will get interesting;-) I could not help but think I was definitely going to explore the realms of what these great beauties had to offer at my new internship....So from the beginning I was doomed...My weakness for beautiful women surpass many of my most logical thought patterns...o.k. I saw her first, this female I will call her b we caught each other eye and she recognized me also, I could see it in her eyes, she was attracted. I must say from the moment I saw this young lady there was some sort of an irony in her face as if her eyes had meet mine before as if this was not our first introduction....And it was not....So the day came when I needed to address a co-worker who just happen to sit right next to her and my words, my pimp, my mac began to flow from my mouth like the mighty Mississippi. B was the one of those young ladies (and I use the word "young lady" sparingly) that I would dare say embodied the true essence of a woman she was beautiful in spirit in mind ...It didn't take all day for me to recognize her sunshine..Her voice kind of spoke to me it wrapped me with her warmth her compassion not just for me but for more than me she treated everyone equally not just simple outer beauty but her inner spirit in some kind of holistic way spoke to me. B was the type of woman that encompassed not only the reality of the world around here but she respected and was fully aware of the differences in men and women. She not only embraced those qualities but she was driven she had ambition and was ready to achieve all that she desired. At the same time I was entertaining this other young lady who I'm going to call J. J was a different kind of chick she was the ultimate realist but I loved her for that because I had never experienced a woman of her statue before and she intrigued me , I always longed for more. I remember our first date of course I'm dressed to the needle point, very sharp nice tailored suit freshly polished contemporary black shoes and the most crisp white shirt I have worn to date...I was dress to impress. She dressed in a simple black dress not form fitting at all but just simple and yet she displayed a since of elegance that could not be refuted....... On the real you know what got me, when she hit me with a left hook that I didn't see coming when she opened the door she had an ice cold beer in a red party cup and had just lit a freshly freaked Black n Mild Cigar(those of you from the south know exactly what I'm talking about but those who are not..Here's a brief def. For "freakin" a b&m cigar you roll it between your hand repeatedly hoping to loosen the tobacco in hopes of slowing the burn of the cigar i.e. making the smoke last a little longer than average....Those that "super freak it" actually lick the outside of the cigar and roll in there palms for an even greater effect...As a disclaimer all of this is just a theoretical action in what seems to be the most logical way to savor this .25 cent bundle of joy) upon seeing this I realized maybe this young lady and I where on a different page. I myself had just not long ago moved to this new city and had experienced what Huxley would have called a brave new world compared to my small town upbringing. So to say the least my Christian bubble had no room for smoke and beer that just didn't fit...But yet she intrigued me....During the time of our courting and fun I found in b more to my liking more to my perfect vision of a woman it was just simply something about the way we talked the way we communicated that was so uncanny. At times it was like we almost knew what the other where thinking and we shared a longing for a more deeply spiritual and pure relationship that I had never experieced or wanted to experience with another woman one of balance and understanding of the others needs I guess we wanted that perfect little utopia . Finally the fact came to light that me and b had gone to high school together and not only had we gone to high school together but we secretly liked each other and didn't even know it at that time. Both of us were in the band at the same time and though she was an upper classman she still liked me and though I was an underclassman I knew I could have her if I wanted but you know I just didn't want her (lol) as we dated she told me that there was this guy in the band that she liked but he was a freshman and she couldn't bring herself to lose her cool points by dating a piece of "fresh meat" as we we're called back then. But we realized that the connection between us was more spiritual than physical even to the point that we wanted to abstain from intercourse in order to realize the fruits of our patience and commitment to our religious beliefs. This was a young woman I would go to church with a woman to whom my mother actually liked a woman that her parents liked me and a woman to this day that I fear so bad I will never find again. But once again just to keep it real I really fucked that up for myself I'm so disappointed within that I wasn't able to see just how wonderful this young lady was and that I needed to hang on to her; you know what let me say this I did know how wonderful she was I did know how beautiful a spirit she possessed I just thought with the wrong head I was thinking about all the other bi-oches I was missing out on and that I still needed to sow my royal oats before I put the platinum pimp card to rest so just to keep it real I simply made a very bad, immature decision that in retrospect was even more grave than I could have ever imagined......To be continued

."live and learn".."A man remains a boy until a man truly is needed"...excellence is not an act but a habit, you are what you constantly do"...."don't just get a piece of the pie, make your own pie and charge cats for a slice"....."keep your third eye open and two eyes from behind the wool"......"your word is the only thing a man truly owns"......."love someone and tell them so"........."be a student of your religous beleif"

Life finds some way some how to teach us lessons and make them as clear the waters fiji island, as if they where thaught to you by a higher power that chose that very moment to teach you "the way". I think there are days when I think I should have been Siddartha because I feel like I'm always "going under" learning sometime of lesson in this continued cycle we call life constantly trying to obtain my masters in sociology and human interaction. My mind constantly battles itself trying to overcome itself choosing a path of righteousness or a path of living in what our church has taught use as sin. Like the sin I partake in everyday when I see a beautiful black woman who by her style and grace fores my eyes to see her in more of a sexual way than wondering if she would be a good mother to my children or if she is really committed to her relationship with God. But to me isn't that why God gave me these eyes anyway to see and truly see these beautiful things God spent 7(DAYS) creating including wo-man. I myself love a beautiful woman especially a woman who may or may not meet the status quoe of what society deems as "beauty" but truly a beautiful spirit a woman who in every since of the word beauty she is patient loyal delicate and strong mental sexual and spiritualy. I have to this day only found that manner of woman resently and she is to me the epitome of what of loyality of spirit worthy of praise worthy of a man who would respect her keep her happy keep her full of my trust my strength and my repect for her. Yet the ironic thing is that though she is perfect I feel as though I am not ready for her I think because of my previous actions and situations that have been presented to her with me I have...I'm all tapped out...i'll write again soon1

.....I think this election year will probably one of the most detrimental to the minority than ever it will determine a lot and many of us have no reason to say we don't vote because our vote doesn't count because every one knows this is the year of the minority and if we want to be counted we must vote it's almost like a catch 22" if we don't vote we don't get counted and the politians have no reason to cater to the minority vote because they don't matter the minority vote does...o.k. must go work calls....until we meet again...

....the journey of the mind begins with truth of ones self and the acceptance of who
that person is....